I'm sorry
by Dee Lee
Summary: This is a oneshot about Shannon's feelings as she cries over her brothers dead body. Please R&R!


**Author's Note: Here's a little fic about how Shannon's feeling when she's crying over her stepbrother's dead body. Hope you like it. is a mega Shoone Shipper** **Please R&R! I'd really like some reviews.

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Boone Carlyle. Dead. How can this be? I thought you would always be there for me, like you always are. My savior. My superman. My rock. I am the damsel in distress, and you are my rescuer, ready to rescue me from the dragon's jaws and to ride away with me on your noble steed… like it used to be.

But… things don't last forever. I just thought that you would be the only thing in my life that did last forever. You used to be that solid brick wall, always there, protecting me from the dreadful things that lie in the real world. I was wrong.

I know that I will have nightmares about you. I know that every time I close my eyes; you'll be there, protecting me. Or will you be haunting me? Will you only be there because you loved me, or because you don't want me to forget? You didn't want me to be with Sayid, that was your dieing wish, and I betrayed you.

Except… when my eyes flash open, you'll be gone… fluttering away like a butterfly with my memories that I shall revisit the next night.

Look at me, I'm pathetic. But your beautiful eyes will never see me again. Those eyes that made me feel weak at the knees, which were as beautiful as the clear blue ocean. As I sit here, I can feel my self crying, and the tears snatch my breath and I feel as though I'm dying. I hope I am… because I can be with you. Dreams don't come true, though. How am I going to make it through my asthma attacks without you?

I'm sure if I could see my reflection, I would look so awful. My face is probably all red and puffy from the crying, my hair sticking to my face, and frizz all over the place. But why am I thinking about myself? Is it because you thought I was so damn beautiful… or was it because I am still that selfish little bitch that only cared for herself?

Last night… I was absent from your death. I was with Sayid, wanting to take it to the next level, and here you were, dieing. Blood covers your face and body… I loved the way you used to look. You were so… handsome.

I remember when our parents had first gotten married. I was eight, and you were ten. We had gone to a park one day, and there were these extremely high monkey bars, that only the "big" kids could play on. I was planning to show you how brave I was, to show you I didn't need you watching me. I climbed up to the top, but when I reached the middle, my hand slipped and I fell. I could have gotten a serious injury if I had touched the ground, but I didn't… because you had caught me, protected me from harm's way. As the years went on… I realized I could use this to my advantage.

Even at the age of eight, I was a manipulative bitch.

Jack told me that all throughout the surgery, you were subconsciously muttering my name, and things like "I'm sorry". Well, I'd like to say sorry to you Boone. All my life I manipulated you to do my bidding, give me money, take me in when I was lost. Back at that damn airport, you said, "One day you'll appreciate everything I do for you." I realize now, that that time is now. He also said that your last words were "Tell Shannon." As he told me that, I knew that even over what Locke had done to you, you still loved me.

I remember that day Sayid gave me shoes. He had told me that you were giving him warnings to stay away from me. These were one of the times that I hated when you protected me. Never allowing me to escape from my shell into the world, even if it meant I was vulnerable to the dangers in it. But it showed you cared, after the whole mishap in Sydney.

Just in the next two days, after Sayid told me you gave him warnings, I went up to you and tried to control you yet again. I tried to get you to help me build the raft… but you said no. Locke had done something to you, and it appeared that you were no longer in my power. I remember that meeting between us well… as it was our last.

When I was 18, my father had died. That meant that we were no longer stepsiblings. I thought that this meant that now, that you weren't forced to be with me, that you would leave me, but you didn't.

The drunken girl I was caused me to become even stupider and marry a man I didn't even love. You told me not to, that one day he would divorce me and I would be heart broken, and I would come crawling back to you for support, money, and a place to say. I said that you just wanted me for yourself, and that my husband would love me forever. Once again, you proved me wrong.

That rainy night, I came to you, tears gushing out of me like a tap. He had left me. I was pathetic, and you knew it. Even though I never loved my ex-husband, I still cried. But was this to make you take pity on me? All though you shouldn't have, you took me in, once again. I couldn't understand, I was such a bitch that I didn't even invite you to the wedding.

Countless times I wondered if you loved me for anything more than my beauty, because I couldn't honestly see why else you would love me.

Over our years together, similar things to this happened, over and over again. I would return, and you wouldn't shun me away, but welcome me and wrap your tender arms around me. I always liked it when you touched me. I felt warm, and safe…

You guided me, taking my hand and holding on until you knew I was fine. Like with my asthma attacks. You'd be there for me until they ended.

Back in Sydney, I needed money. I pretended that my boyfriend hurt me, just so you would give him money. You came to collect me, and realized it was just a con. You called me a bitch, which was the first time you ever had. I was glad you did though, because even though you loved me, I think you actually knew what a horrible person I was inside.

Then, that jackass Brian ditched me and stole the money. Yep, you guessed it, I came to you. That was the second worst I ever felt in my life. I seduced you; I could feel that you would forgive me. I can't believe I actually did that. All though I had never told you, or anyone else for that matter; I loved you. But when I had sex with you, I felt so awful. I had exploited you, just to get you to forgive me. I wish that you hadn't forgiven me. But you did.

So now, here I am; staring at your lifeless body. Feeling the worst I ever have in my life. The last thing you ever said to me was "No thanks." And as I remember that, my heart sinks even lower. Because... I never got to tell you that I loved you. No, not in a brother-sisterly way. I actually loved you. I know that you loved me too, even if you would never admit it. I knew it, even as we were kids, as you caught me when I fell off the monkey bars. Even if we were just friends then…

For the rest of my life, I know that there will never be a day that you do not surround my thoughts. As Sayid takes me in his arms and kisses me, I feel that you will always be there, watching me. I'll see you in him, I just know I will. Why? Because even though I know I will never forget you, you want to make sure that I don't ever forget you. I don't think that you want to put me through hell, but it sure feels like it. I wonder what it is like… being dead. I guess one day I'll know. That same day, I'll reunite with you, and confess how much I love you; something I should have done a long time ago.

I'm also going to find John Locke. I'm gonna find out what the hell he did to you, and I'm going to make him pay.

It's funny, but as I sit here, I realize that I have never felt more alone in my life.

I thought that you would always be that solid brick wall; always protecting me. But I guess… brick walls can be broken down…

To Boone… my savior… my superman… my rock…

My hero…

I love you… and I'm sorry.


End file.
